It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
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Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
felt that
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
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Squash
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
hackers play passwordle
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
This is sending me to another galaxy