I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
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Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.