I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
You Might Also Like
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Have a lovely day 😊
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Does it…does it take 3 days
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!