I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
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“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.