If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
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my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…