I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
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My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.