Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
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I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
wish me luck lads