I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
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I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Bike for sale
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel