“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
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[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.