[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
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cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
“A little help here, Danny?”
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
I need to get some bricks…
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son