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For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.