If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
You Might Also Like
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.