I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
You Might Also Like
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Weirdos gonna weird.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.