I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
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Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
What the hell happened here.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Are you ok, human???
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.