Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
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I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day