my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
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[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes