ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
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bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me