(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
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Otters see a butterfly.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine theyāre on a double date with ghosts
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isnāt.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell āhungry.ā
Iāve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Me irl
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
The key to losing weight is to eat like youāre in a video game ā donāt bother with it 99% of the time until youāre about to die
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose š
Losing š²
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervousā¦
“okā¦”
and I invented oatmeal
No thanks. If I wanted flaky Iād date a pie crust.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Nothing good ever comes after: āIām not trying to be creepy, but…ā
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!āwait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and iām feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using āI can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY treeā and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.