It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
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I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?