A flock of dads is called a grill.
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Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Golf would be better with landmines.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?