*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
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Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream