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Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
is this how new cars are made??
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Carpe DM
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel