Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
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“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps