[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
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Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Seems kinda suspicious
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.