My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
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FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
don’t we all
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again