I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
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[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Shortcut
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
I have two kinds of followers
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.