SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
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I’m awake but I object,
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.