Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
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My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi