Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
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THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Bringing home a sharpie
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Google assistant rules
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once