If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
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She was rare, like a goth carolling.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door