me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
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In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?