Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
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I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.