Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
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Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Kermit goes Blue.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?