Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos