Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
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We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I was bored.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.