Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
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I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.