MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
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Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Me My dog
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
yes… yes…
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
good morning
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.