assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
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Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I鈥檓 gonna take a nap
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I鈥檒l go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i鈥檓 living for it LMFAO
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Nope, that鈥檚 a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 馃檹
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
me: you think i鈥檓 too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we鈥檙e starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front