I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
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*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch