She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
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You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Perfection.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
There is no “we” in chocolate.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat