I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
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My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
when someone compliments me
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not