I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
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Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
.
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I still have Pringles?
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?