Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
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Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]