I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
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A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.