Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
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Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.