Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
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Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
BRO LMFAO
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
He’s cranky this morning
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.