[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
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ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Reporter: *ports again*
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.