I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
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The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date