Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
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Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.