Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
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I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998